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THIS FEELING..

"Its not that I do not want to be happy.Its a despite how hard I try,I can't bring myself to be happy.I feel suffocated,ashamed,disappointed,embarassed,disillusioned.Why do I have to feel this way?
I have great people in my life,yet all I ever see is sadness and gray.Its is like there is a burden on me,pulling me down,no matter how much I try to scream,it chokes the life in me.

No matter how much I try,I cant bring myself to care about anything.Not him,not her and never me.Living has become this constant nighmare..Its not fair!!Society will tell me to try yoga,go for a walk,listen to meditation.I tell them that this cannot be solved by meditation,its a disease that has gone too deep into my soul.I can't get it out!!I just can't.Every time I try to explain,I am met with blind hesitation.

People ask "Why are you always so sad?" I tell them I don't know.I don't know!!What I do know is that I wake up every morning feeling like shit and that has become my norm.I am afraid of the world.I am afraid of putting my guard down in the fear that I will be judged for something I cannot control. You think I love to watch myself fall apart?You think I like to see myself fall into this pit of self hate and shame?So I hide my feelings,I put up a wall so high you will never see my pain.I create this character.She is perfect,she is invincible.
I live my double lives..one for the public,and one for me,because it is easier than admitting I have a problem...and that's the problem.

I look at people being happy,and I feel the sharp pain of my disease attacking ferociously.No,I am not depressed,but what I'm I?The society is harsh,it judges brutally.Can I get out of this?Can I really be brave?Can I smile and just be happy genuiney?No,I can't.I am tired of living this way,I am tired of living without a purpose.The vacuum is too wide,nothing seems to fill this void.I can't take it anymore.I must go,I must leave this world of sorrow.No one will ever understand my pain.Perhaps,I will be happy in another lifetime."

Speak out,it will lift a million problems off your shoulder.Be brave,and tell your story.

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